Statistical one-liners

A new government 10 year survey cost $3,000,000,000 revealed that 3/4 of the people in America make up 75% of the population. According to recent surveys, 51% of the people are in the majority. Did you know that 87.166253% of all statistics claim a precision of results that is not justified by the method employed? […]

Answering machine

Hello, this is probably 438-9012, yes, the house of the famous statistician. I’m probably not at home, or not wanting to answer the phone, most probably the latter, according to my latest calculations. Supposing that the universe doesn’t end in the next 30 seconds, the odds of which I’m still trying to calculate, you can […]

Purchasing the shoes

A shoeseller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. “No problem,” says the mathematician, “there is a simple equation for that,” and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution. The shoeseller stares some time at het equation and asks, “What is that symbol?” “That is the Greek […]

Two plus two is five

“First and above all he was a logician. At least thirty-five years of the half-century or so of his existence had been devoted exclusively to proving that two and two always equal four, except in unusual cases, where they equal three or five, as the case may be.” — Jacques Futrelle, “The Problem of Cell […]

Story about infinity

A very large mathematical convention was held in Las Vegas. The conventioneers filled two hotels, each with an infinite number of rooms. The hotels were across the street from each other and were owned by brothers. One evening, while everyone was out at a bar-b-que, one of the hotels burned to the ground. The brothers […]

N equals N plus one

Theorem: n=n+1 Proof: (n+1)^2 = n^2 + 2*n + 1 Bring 2n+1 to the left: (n+1)^2 – (2n+1) = n^2 Substract n(2n+1) from both sides and factoring, we have: (n+1)^2 – (n+1)(2n+1) = n^2 – n(2n+1) Adding 1/4(2n+1)^2 to both sides yields: (n+1)^2 – (n+1)(2n+1) + 1/4(2n+1)^2 = n^2 – n(2n+1) + 1/4(2n+1)^2 This may […]

Numbers equal zero

Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero. Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then a = b a^2 = ab a^2 – b^2 = ab – b^2 (a + b)(a – b) = b(a – b) a + b = b a = 0 Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then […]

Dollars equal cents

Theorem: 1$ = 1c. Proof: And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing. 1$ = 100c = (10c)^2 = (0.1$)^2 = 0.01$ = 1c Here $ means dollars and c means cents. This one is scary in that I have seen PhD’s in math who were unable to see what was wrong with […]

One is negative one

Theorem: 1 = -1 Proof: 1 = sqrt(1) = sqrt(-1 * -1) = sqrt(-1) * sqrt(-1) = 1^ = -1 Also one can disprove the axiom that things equal to the same thing are equal to each other. 1 = sqrt(1) -1 = sqrt(1) Therefore 1 = -1 As an alternative method for solving: Theorem: […]

Four is equal to five

Theorem: 4 = 5 Proof: -20 = -20 16 – 36 = 25 – 45 4^2 – 9*4 = 5^2 – 9*5 4^2 – 9*4 + 81/4 = 5^2 – 9*5 + 81/4 (4 – 9/2)^2 = (5 – 9/2)^2 4 – 9/2 = 5 – 9/2 4 = 5