Put me into a fighting mood

Patient: Doctor, what I need is something to stir me up; something to put me in a fighting mood. Did you put something like that in this prescription? Doctor: No need for that. You will find that in your bill.

I think I need a pair of glasses

Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses. Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.

Get me an ambulence now

A man, after being hurt, calls 911 for help. Man: Operator, operator, call me an ambulance! Operator: Okay, sir, you’re an ambulance!

My son swallowed the can opener

Mrs. Smith: Help me, doctor! My son, John, swallowed the can opener! Doctor: Don’t panic. He’ll be alright. Mrs. Smith: But how do I open the can of beans?! The toast is getting cold!

Doctor, should I file my nails?

Patient: Doctor, should I file my nails? Doctor: No! Throw them away like everybody else.

The bad and the worse news

A man visits the doctor for a checkup, and after some tests, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face. Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news. Man: Well, give me the really bad news first. Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live. Man: […]

The Code of Ethical Behavior for Patients

1. Do not expect your doctor to share your discomfort. Involvement with the patient’s suffering might cause him to lose valuable scientific objectivity. 2. Be cheerful at all times. Your doctor leads a busy and trying life and requires all the gentleness and reassurance he can get. 3. Try to suffer from the disease for […]

My wife is beating me

David: My wife beats me, doctor. Doctor: Oh dear. How often? David: Every time we play Scrabble!

I would like to havea second opinion

A patient has a sore throat and goes to a doctor to get treatment for it. Doctor: Your tonsils gotta come out. Patient: I wanna second opinion. Doctor: Okay, you’re ugly, too.

I’m gaining weight doctor

Trish: My stomach is getting awfully big, doctor. Doctor: You should diet. Trish: Really? What color?