News headlines 04

  Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Air Head Fired Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Deer Kill 17,000 Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni […]

News headlines 03

Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in `84 Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted Miners Refuse to Work after Death If Strike […]

News headlines 05

Steals Clock, Faces Time Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction Stolen Painting Found by Tree Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy […]

Deep Thoughts 09

You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who makes people happy, but inside he’s real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea. Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, I do a little trick to calm myself down. I’ll go over to the person’s house and ring the doorbell. When the […]

I get no respect 01

“Good crowd…good crowd. I’m telling you I could use a good crowd. I’m ok now but last week I was in rough shape… Why? I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” “I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great Uncle fought for the west!” “My […]

Why ask why 06

Would a fly without wings be called a walk? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? When it rains, why don’t sheep shrink? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? Why is the word abbreviation […]

Deep Thoughts 08

To me, boxing is like a ballet, except there’s no music, no choreography, and the dancers hit each other. I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. To make someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he’s throwing up, is not what I call hospitality. […]

I get no respect 02

“I worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I’d get.” “I remember the time I was kidnaped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.” “My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the […]

News headlines 01

Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Farmer Bill Dies in House Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Lung Cancer in […]

Deep Thoughts 06

I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they choose a king, I hope they don’t just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas. It takes a big man to cry, but it takes an even bigger man to laugh at that man. I’d rather be […]